1981-1983Chapter 24Experiences

For my heart’s consolation

Diary entry - Friday 21st January

Shri Mataji celebrated an Ekadesha Rudra Puja in a New York City apartment in 1983, approximately a year after I’d become a yogi. The local leader had explained that Shri Mataji works on several levels, both on the conscious and subconscious levels. She said that Shri Mataji often did work on us in the dream state, but sometimes we just imagined Shri Mataji was in our dreams. She indicated that when Shri Mataji was actually there working, one awakened with a definite feeling that She was there. I didn’t really understand.

Since this was my first puja in Shri Mataji’s presence, I was extremely excited — so excited that I dreamt of Her. The dream was set at a public programme and Her Holiness was lecturing, when suddenly She turned and pointed Her right Vishuddhi finger at me and said, ‘Open your mouth! Open your mouth!’ Her attention and command was so direct and startling that, when I awoke, my mouth was wide open to the point of being sore around the jaw. Of course, I remembered the discussions about whether Shri Mataji was really present in a dream or not, so, while preparing for puja, I wrestled with the question.

Finally, puja day arrived and I sat with about thirty others in the living room of the puja location, gazing at our beautiful Sat Guru. Despite trying to focus on the puja itself, the question of Her presence in the dream kept surfacing. Finally, I quietly begged Shri Adi Shakti to put the question to rest, ‘Were You in my dream, telling me to open my mouth?’ She, of course, proceeded with the puja talk.

Despite listening intently, my internal questions kept surfacing. It was then that Shri Mataji, the beneficent, began telling a story of little Lord Krishna. She spoke of how the mischievous toddler loved to steal the butter, thus weakening the strength of the rakshasas, who battled the righteous. Shri Mataji spoke of how, one day in particular, Shri Krishna’s mother was preparing some food, when the butter disappeared from the table. She asked her beloved child if He knew where the butter was and the ever-playful Shri Krishna shook His head.

‘No,’ He said.

‘Open your mouth, open your mouth,’ His mother commanded. In His mouth was the sight of the universe.

Suddenly, as I listened, I knew Shri Mataji had given me my answer, as only She could — subtly, compassionately and purposefully, for my ears and my heart’s consolation. Stunned, I sat quietly, thoughtlessly, doubtlessly, assured that here, at Her Lotus Feet, lay not only the answer of my dream, but the answers of the universe.

Andrea Cousins